Stray Kite

I feel a little lonely, sometimes. Well, quite often, really.

I hope that doesn't make me weak. Though it probably does.

I don't really have a good reason for it. It is not as if I don't have many friends and family who care about me back on the homeworld, or that other Capsuleers are utterly unwilling to speak with me. Many even treat me with more kindness then I likely deserve.

However, I... I confess that I often feel quite lost, in spite of this. Filled to the brim with worries, discontent, fears, such that they overflow and make me act a fool... Without anyone to whom I can relate, to whom I can trust in.

This world that I have entered, when these implants where placed in the back of my skull, is still very much alien to me. And I have never been good with change, not since the days where I would spend the first week of every school I transferred to skulking about during the day and weeping to myself in disgust of my failure to make friends at night. Many things about it make me very afraid, Things that I can do, that I am expected to do... It is all a little too much. No. More then a little.

And more then that, space itself, when I am out and alone, fills me with a deep and profound sense of solitude. The sheer vastness of it, the lack of any sense of scale save for that which is maddening, and utter absence of, well, anything, save for the light of distant stars.

Sometimes, when I am alone, so divorced from life as I have always known it, I feel a terrible feeling pouring into me, a gentle whisper flowing into my soul. That everything else is but a small and trivial thing, easily forgotten, and that this world - this vast and empty wasteland, without life, without laws, without all the little things that humanity has slowly built itself in both physical and mental terms over the years - is what it utterly true. What is utterly, totally real.

It is almost like she mentioned to me, back when... Well, that's something to think about for another time, I think.

The point is, it has left me feeling ungrounded, like a stray kite blowing in the wind. I am filled with questions that demand answers, and when the mind cannot find others from which it might receive them, it tends to try to answer them itself, in the worst of all ways. Constantly questioning, comparing, without any context of rationality and reason. Breaking down it's own framework until nothing seems indisputably true, any longer.

Gods and spirits, I just read over what I wrote, and it barely even made sense. What am I doing?

The point is that I have no one to whom I can relate to. My friends and family - Kind, yes, but they could not hope to understand any of this. Other Capsuleers... Most of them are as alien to me as anything else in this life. None think as I do, seeming to operate on a level I cannot even comprehend. The few that act truly like normal people seem largely disinterested in me, absorbed in their own, more important affairs, that I could not imagine how to penetrate.

And the few that reached out to me when I first became a Capsuleer, that seemed genuinely caring, have vanished without a trace, died, or in one case, simply forgotten me.

Perhaps even they only cared out of pity. And pity is much harder to garner with a 6 month old license then a fresh one, I think.

I do not know what to do, at times. I truly don't. There seems nowhere I can go, none to whom I feel right reaching out to. Perhaps I would have been better off staying where I was, in spite of my fathers wishes, and the... Call, I felt, to do so. I feel trapped, caught between being a Capsuleer, immortal, fearless and driven, and simply a normal person. The person who I have always been.

Spirits, when did I become wont to complain so much?

I don't even know what my problem is. I just need to focus, and think positively. Forget all this nonsense...

I really ought to lie down.