A Small Loss

I... I don't know why I haven't written about this sooner, really. I suppose I was trying to pretend it didn't happen.

I was podded, a couple of weeks ago. It was the second body I lost in total, after they took my first one at the end of my training. (Well, I suppose they didn't take it, per se. But I'm not in it anymore.)

To be honest, I don't even... Quite remember how it happened. I recall the circumstances. I had headed up the Inoue system to do scan for sites to explore, but hadn't found any, and decided to head back to Malkalen to do more shipping work for Ishukone, like my father needs me to. But I wanted to leave my Heron there for later, so I went to look for a shuttle to travel back in. 

When I couldn't find any in the area that weren't ludicrously overpriced, I decided to simply fly back in my Pod. What could go wrong, really, I thought? It was high security space. No one there could attack me without being destroyed by CONCORD, nor would they have anything to gain if they did. It wasn't worth fussing over. I set my destination, activated my autopilot, brought up the Summit and some contracts to go over to keep me busy...

What system was I in? I feel like I might've gotten side tracked by something. I can't really recall the specifics.

I heard the sound of me being targed-locked, but barely even noticed. I recall a strange feeling, a brief flicker of worry and confusion, worry and profound discomfort. And then, an even odder one still. A sensation of, for a moment, being something profoundly different; Something utterly unlike anything I have ever been, in thought or form. Something I cannot understand, and only could, for that one second...

...And then I awoke in Malkalen, my forehead pressing against the cool glass, my eyes foggy, with warm fluid slowly draining below me. I stumbled out, washed myself, got dressed... Had something to eat. The food tasted different, like it did the last time, and my skin felt too soft, for a while. It was odd.

I did not believe it, I think, when it first occured. Not really. Have you ever spilled a glass, or dropped a plate of food, or something like that? And you have that brief moment, where you haven't quite processed it yet? Where you brain hasn't yet grasped the upsetting loss and shift in the status quo? And you're still thinking about how much you're going to enjoy that drink, as if nothings changed.

I make that comparison instead of a more serious one because it really didn't seem like much of an important affair, at the time. It seemed easy to move on. To forget it ever happened.


I...

I feel I've lost something. I must have.

I'd upgraded my clone far beyond anything I'd rationally need. It was a Pi grade - Certified human biomass and bone or high quality osteoplastic. It was more then fit - excessively so, even - to retain everything without any functional memory loss.

And yet, I can feel that something is gone. I do not know what. But something of myself, something very small, so small that i can't even perceive it in full, is utterly absent. And it has left behind only a cold, empty void that reaches out and chills me to my bones. When I gaze into myself, as the teachings compel one to do, to perceive the Totality- I see it. Burning. Clear as day.

I feel... False. Incomplete. A shadow. My skin does not rest on the bones as it should. Not at all.

...

I cannot ignore it.

Mister Hakatain mentioned in the Summit that the very, very best clones are grown organically, over the course of a human lifetime. They are completely natural, as much as any other person. Utterly without error, they retain the information transmitted from the burning scan flawlessly, leaving not such a copy, but an utter, pristine recreation; A perfect continuation of the self.

I still have the ISK mister Vikarion gave me for some bizarre reason. A hundred million. Foolish, needless as it may be, I will use this to purchase a contract for one of these.

I will never let this happen again. Not ever - For as long as I exist. I swear it.