Descent

I'm a fool.

I should never have gotten involved. It is one of the lessons of the faith, and simply the way of the Achura, to leave the affairs of others to others. To not meddle in things simply because one believes they can somehow improve things through such an intervention, or worse, that their outlook is more worthwhile then that of the parties actually involved. To do otherwise is egotistical at best,  and utterly destructive to both ones self and those one cares for, at worst.

Yet I ignored this, even as it stared me right in the face. It takes a special kind of imbecile to find wisdom in walking into a dragons maw.

In what little defense I have, I came close to averting it. I had lingered in the system for days trying to decide what to do; For a time, I had even resolved to depart. I knew what may well-- No, what was likely to happen, and wanted no part in it, even if such made me a coward. I longed to scurry back to Saisio, to lie in my bed once again, to drown myself in familiarity and small comforts. And I would have been right to. Almost more right then I've ever been about anything.

Gods, why did I not? What possessed me?

I... Suppose it was for father, really, as so many things are. When I awoke on the morning before it happened, everything seemed so clear, so obvious beyond reason. Surely, participating in the battle would bring great honor to us, great recognition from the State and the Caldari people as a whole. Much more so then I would gain by simply fighting over border systems in the militia with no clear objective or end, as he wished.

I thought that if I did, he might relent - Leave me to do as I please. And be thankful to me, grateful. In a way he never has been. That I might return home a hero, instead of the black sheep I often am, especially amongst my extended family.

With hindsight, I can see a thousand flaws, even in this. Why did I presume my participation would be so great amongst thousands to even be noteworthy? Why did I think I was capable of making a difference to the outcome, at all? And even if I had been, why did I presume that would somehow be enough to satisfy him, and put the matter utterly to rest, when there could still be even more to be gained?

It does not matter now. Regardless, the idea burned like a fire in my mind. A perfect solution, a final piece of an unsolvable puzzle. I could not let such a thing pass me by. There was no time to reason, no time to contemplate. I slid into my pod and into my Heron (though I'd later return with a Drake, before the actual battle itself) and left, without another thought.

...Above all else, I remember the screaming.

Not of the dying; No, those voices could not reach me, and I'm under no delusion that they could. Rather, that of the pilots in local comms. From the moment I connected to the channel, it was all I heard. An endless, unrelenting howl. For blood, carnage and death. They demanded it for other pilots. They demanded it for the admiral. They demanded it for the planet itself. Again and again, with the enthusiasm of children and the manic lust of hungry beasts.

Yet, for some idiotic reason, I didn't turn back upon hearing it. I somehow steeled myself and headed to the titan, which had already pushed into low orbit. There were so many ships there, more then I had ever seen. Clustered around the thing like a swarm of angry insects about to descend on the poor fool bold or unlucky enough to disturb their nest.

The Admiral spoke to me, in the Summit, before it happened. Imagine - All the cluster watching her, hundreds of billions, and she spoke to me. It made me feel strange, and the whole world seemed to suddenly grow small before my very eyes. 

But I quickly forgot it once she threatened to fire on the planet.

The time between that and the battle itself is a blur, even now. I'd hoped that in writing this down, I'd recall it, but I do not. I remember the rush of horrible fear that surged through me as I thought of what might happen, of all the people that might die, of all the terrible consequences that might come as a result. I almost broke down in the Summit and decided to disconnect from comms entirely-- One of the few good decisions I made that morning.

I had heard reports that the exits from the system, as well as many of the stations, were being watched my hostile ships. I felt trapped. Below me, I begun to see small flickers of fire dancing upon the skin of the world. Not delivered from space, mind, but simply appearing, as bubbles in a slowly boiling pot of water. Looking back, they were likely caused by ground fighting, but at the time I feared I was going mad.

And then, before I knew it, it had begun.

I still cannot believe they attacked CONCORD so brazenly. But once they did, they surely must have decided to make their wrath known simply in departing - For at once, they ceased engaging pilots that violated their laws. The Federation navy approached us. I prepared my weapons, and then... I...

I cannot even begin to describe it. I wanted to weep, to cry, to run. The Capsuleers attacked both navies and each other without seeming to even care what they were targeting, slaughtering indiscriminately in gleeful insanity. It was a bloodbath to no end. A battle that barely even had sides. Screams of joy and hate echoed in my local comms until the two became one and the same.

Even then, some part of me still clung stubbornly to my objective, and I tried to engage one of the Federate supercarriers. But my own ship was lost in moments, before I even knew what was happening. I barely escaped with my life back to a nearby station. My crew, who just a week ago I had been thinking so deeply on, were gone in instant. Their blood was on my hands...

I returned in a cloaked ship, but seeing it all upon my approach, I was so afraid, so horrified, that I dared not engage it again. But neither did I want to try to flee. Gods, how can I be so worthless? Such a failure, utterly and completely? Paralyzed in cowardice, I simply sat there, uselessly, and observed, my tiny form skirting the edge of the battlefield. Thousands upon thousands upon thousands must have died before my eyes. I wanted to throw up, or perhaps even to join them, myself. I thought I could even feel the metal of my ship trembling as the bursts of warmth from the endless explosions glanced upon it. Upon me.

And then, finally, I watched in quiet terror - for the world, for the State, and for myself - as the great behemoth of a ship was finally undone. What would become of the cluster? Would there be eternal war? What would happen to my family? The explosion was grander then any I had ever seen; It burned as bright as a star, a hundred thousand lives caught in it's unrelenting flames...

...Yet, at that instant, something strange happened. My horror faded, as if it had only ever been imagined, replaced by only gentle calm. The titan shattered into pieces and fell, but the bloodshed - now pointless - continued, capital ships falling by the dozen. The Gallenteans warped in more and more ships, and Capsuleers continued to pour in for what felt like hours...

But I cared not. I was simply floating there, watching the world change before my very eyes. Invisible, invulnerable - Apart from all the concerns of the people in the cluster, of the people no doubt watching the events from so many video screens, tears in their eyes. Apart from the thousands of years of history that had led to this moment, of all the hopes, ambitions, hatreds of the Caldari and the Federates. Apart from the millions dying below me, in space and on the the surface of the pretty swirl of blue, green and white (and just a hint of red) my camera drones fixated upon. Apart... And at peace, with myself and the Totality.

Like a ghost. A spirit of the dead, only beholding the affairs of the living.

I think I fell asleep, after that, odd though that may be. A strange, serene slumber, as all the screaming and missile and turret fire and explosions seemed to blur together into a perfect stream of low white noise. A gentle lullaby, of sorts, resonating through the stars. 

And when I finally woke, it was over.

...But I lost something, in that place. Something of great value. It slipped from my fingers, and fell from the heavens alongside that awful ship to the cold earth below. And I know, in this moment, that I will never touch it again.